Have We Met Before?
I was at a party a couple of years back, and I noticed a woman from across the room. I know this is a cliché, but I was standing in a crowded room, and she was sitting on a chair at the other side. An attractive woman, I thought I had seen here before. Her face was so familiar… Maybe she and I worked at the same company? Perhaps I saw her at the Magic game or at Publix? I was certain I had never met her at church, mostly because I haven’t attended church in over 20 years.
“Go talk to her,” the Voice in my head prodded me. The Voice was smart. It knew that I wasn’t seeing anybody, she was sitting alone, and the Voice swore that it saw her glace in my direction. The Voice insisted, “She’s checking you out, dude!” I didn’t know what to say, but she did look familiar, so I could use that as my ‘in,’ my ‘ice-breaker’, my ‘line.’ So, I checked my hair (yup still there) and walked confidently over to her.
“You know, you look so familiar. Have we met before?” I asked.
“No, I don’t think so.” She replied coldly.
“Do you work for (company where I work)? I tried again.
“No, I do not.” She said, emphasizing each word.
Panic struck me. She was looking at me like I was on fire, literally. “Bail! Bail! Bail!” the Voice screamed. This was my own personal Vietnam. I went in with no exit strategy.
“I guess you have one of those faces…” I offered.
“Bravo! [Slow sarcastic clapping] Way to charm her!” The Voice in my head moaned.
“No, we’ve never met.” The tone of her voice told me the conversation was over, so I said, “Oh, OK. Bye.” Then I did the slow ‘walk of shame’ back to my place against the wall…on the OTHER side of the room.
I think that every man can identify with this story, at least every guy that I know. I’m sure that guys with Brad Pitt looks and Bill Gates money... probably not so much. Getting shot down, or more precisely, ‘going down in flames’ has happened to me before, and it will happen again, but each time I get rejected I’m never prepared. It’s so humiliating. Most women don’t know this feeling of rejection, but it is a rite of passage for dudes. If getting rejected is so painful then why do I keep trying to interact with other human beings? I would have to say… trying to avoid dying alone is up there as a reason.
Seriously, my rejection by the woman at the other side of the room was her loss, and if she had been friendly, we hit it off, and became a couple; we would probably wind up breaking up and hating each other eventually anyway. So, you see, there’s an upside to all this! Too bitter? Let’s just end with this: it was her loss, and there are plenty of fish in the sea. Besides, never mind her, there was this other woman down the hall from where I was standing, and the Voice in my head…
February 21st, 2010 - 19:42
Next time, create a group of friends around you at the party. You’re a smart and very funny guy, use that. Around four other people will do fine. What you need to be is the man in the circle. You need to be the guy making people laugh, the center of attention but DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO HER ACROSS THE ROOM. She will see the clique and will see you as the center. You are now the alpha male. People want to hang out with the fun crowd, be in on the joke. If she tries to join the group, fine, but don’t talk to her. Don’t acknowledge she’s there. It will drive her mad! She will begin to doubt herself and, at the same time, see you, the center of attention, as a challenge. It’s counter-intuitive but if she sees you as an omega-man, an outsider, it will never happen. Keep her at arms length. If she tries to butt in or say something cute, act like you didn’t hear it. After 20 or so minutes she will insist that you listen to her. If she is with a friend, talk to her friend. Seriously, this works. You are shifting the context. You are the same person, just seen differently by others. It’s marketing. Create the situation so she will want to approach you. If she sees you with others, she will trust you more. This isn’t easy and will take time but, believe me, it works.
February 22nd, 2010 - 16:09
I’ll try that next time, but where do I find the group of friends? :-) Just kidding. Everybody loves me and I’m very popular.