I've been house hunting lately, and I came across a beautiful little house in a great neighborhood that fits my needs (and my wallet) perfectly.  I contacted a realtor and found out that the house was owned by the County and was being sold via a federal program called, "Neighborhood Stability Program" or "NSP".  I was informed that you had to qualify to purchase the home and one of the qualifications was to make under a certain salary.   As it turns out, to my surprise, I'm really rich!  At least the NSP program thinks so.  Just once, ONCE, I want to get a break from the government.  I guess the mayor of Orange County saw me driving around in my 2009 Rabbit with the 15 inch steel rims and guessed that a guy with a whip like that must be a player!  Maybe it was my Wal-Mart shirt or my Sketchers that really clued him in on my gansta bankroll.  I know, it was when he saw me at Olive Garden eating all the salad and bread sticks that gave him the impression that I lived so large, but the salad and bread sticks at the Garden are unlimited damn it.  UNLIMITED!

According to my source, a high-level employee of Micr0soft, the next version of Windows (Windows 8) will have an app store in which ALL Windows software will be distributed!  Modeled after the hugely successful Apple app store for iPhone and iPad, the Windows app store will be a 'one stop shop' for all software applications that a user wishes to install on their Windows system.

Apparently, the idea for a Windows app store (not to be confused with the app store available for Windows Phone) had been kicked around for a couple of years in Redmond, but it was the successful launch of Apple's iPad that convinced Microsoft that customers are willing to give up some freedom in exchange for the perception of increased security and quality.  My source says that the Microsoft sees the iPad as a full computer, not a 'large format' iPod or iPhone.  They are convinced that Apple will, over the next few years, make the iPad more and more powerful, phase out their notebook computers, and eventually all of Apple's products will be tied to app stores.  Not wanting to fall behind Apple any further, Microsoft will introduce the Windows app store for Windows 8 first.

Below is my source's list of benefits and restrictions for software deployment on Windows 8:

• All software for Windows 8 will be distributed via the Windows App store including both consumer and enterprise applications.
• Software developers will need to submit their applications to Micorosft for approval.  Microsoft will use the approval process to weed out malware (spyware, viruses, etc), poorly written software that impedes the performance of Windows 8, pornography, hate speach, vulgarity, and anything else that Micosoft thinks customers will find offensive.
• In addition to applicaitons developed by large vendors, such as Adobe and Apple, all custom developed software will need to be aproved by Microsoft via the app store.
• Microsoft will continue to allow Adobe Flash on Windows 8, but other software has not yet been approved (and may never be ): Firefox, Chrome, iTunes, Safari -- just to name a few.

The shift to a closed system controlled by Microsoft is a bombshell, no doubt, but the biggest news is that 'Windows 8' is just the code name for the next version of Windows.  The real name will be Windows Ocho!  It seems that MS execs want to capitalize on the popularity of NFL wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, in an attempt to appeal to the 'kids'.  Not THAT is a little hard to believe, wouldn't you say?

This is the dilemma that Larry is facing.  Upon arriving in the afterlife, Larry was confronted with two doors.  On either side of the doors stood two Gamorrean guards.  A placard above the doors read:

Hello Larry.  Yes, you're dead.  Before you stand two doors.  One door leads to Raccoon heaven and the other door leads to hell.  You must choose.  To help you choose, you may ask either guard only one question.  One of the guards always tells the truth, and the other guard always lies.  Choose wisely.

Hell if I know which door to choose.  Who knew that raccoons live on after death anyway?  But, since I may have been responsible for his untimely death due to gross negligence, I guess it wouldn't look too good if I just arbitrarily told him to choose a door and doom him to a life in hell.

So I turn to you, dear reader.  Which door should Larry take?  Remember.  One door leads up to heaven and the other down to hell.  There are two guards.  One always tells the truth and the other always lies.  Larry can ask either guard only one question.

Now he's back, and this time it's personal!  I wasn't going to be beaten twice by a dude that lives in garbage.  Well, there was that time in the 34th Street subway that a man beat me in a game of cribbage while living in his own filth, but no garbage dwelling man (or creature) beats me three times!

I walked up the trash compactor, opened the door, and said, "Listen! I have a bag of trash here, and I mean to compact it, and not you, or anybody that looks like you is going to stop me!  What do you have to say about that, bro?"  Just then, the raccoon jumped back behind an empty box of wine.  Success! I had met my adversary on the field of battle and vanquished him.  I placed the trash bag into the compactor and started to close the door.  Just then, I heard a small voice say, "I'm not your bro."

I swung open the door, pushed the wine box aside and yelled at the raccoon.  "What did you just say to me?"  He replied, "I SAID, I'm not your bro!  I have a name."  Mind you that I'm so enraged at this point that a speaking rodent doesn't faze me.  "So what is your name?" I asked.   He replied, "My name is Larry."  "Well, Larry, if you're so smart, then why are you living in a dumpster and eating garbage?"  I guess this I kinda pushed his buttons because, man, did he lay into me.

You know, you humans think you are sooo superior with your bipedal locomotion, advanced linguistics, and reasoning skills, but so many of you are in foreclosure or under water on you mortgages.  I, on the other hand, live here rent-free!  My food and shelter are supplied for me, and my credit rating is alomst 800.  Oh, is that your hatchback parked over there?  Isn't that sweet.  That's my custom Olds 88 with 22s parked next to it.  And hey, too bad about your girlfriend.  I heard you got dumped. I got a wife and 8 kids.  Not really sure where they are, but there out there somewhere.

How could I say anything after that?  He was right...about everything.  I hung my head and walked away in shame.  Before I was out of earshot, I heard that soft voice say, "Sorry, bro.  We cool?  I"m going through a lot of stuff right now.  You're alright."  I thought to myself, "Larry, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

Prologue:  The next day Larry was killed when he failed to avoid the compactor wall closing in on him.  Evidently, a large jar of Kraft Easy Cheeze was just out of his reach.  While removing his carcass from the gears of the trash compactor, the workers noticed a large methane leak which probably had something to do with my extended discussion with a raccoon.  My lease is up at the end of March.  I probably should look for a better place to live.